Dear Diary,
It kinda seems like a dream-mare. You know, like a really freaky dream that’s a little disturbing but not scary and in the end you’re ok? Except it really did happen and I’m not just ok, I’m fanfreakingtastic.
For my birthday, a friend took me to the korean spa. She said it’s a little strange and kinda cheesy, but by the end of the day my body wouldn’t care… and she was sooooooo right… about all of it.
Going in, we paid admission and got wristbands… just like Disney World (if it was in Korea). Then we took off our shoes and entered a large room with a 200ft tall giant metal stallion, up on its hind legs displaying its huge horsey branch and melons. Egad! Strange sighting #1.
Once inside the womens locker room, you get naked and enter the bathhouse. There is a half wall of etched glass of The Simpsons. I’m certain there was one of Homer and Bart french kissing and another of Homer touching Maggie’s boob. Strange sightings #2, 3 and 4.
There are lots of girls and women openly showering, sitting in the hot baths and on the massage tables. Which leads to strange sighting #5… I will not go into detail bc I refuse to talk negatively about anyone’s body, but I’ll give you a hint : elephant trunk boobs. Ok ok, I don’t mean to offend you diary, but I guess what I’m trying to say is that this women’s mammoth sized saggy boobs had to be flung over her shoulders just to wash under them… For realz. Is that better?
We shower and sit in one of the hot baths waiting for our number to be called for the body scrub and massage. Ahhh. The water is perfect and I begin to feel calm… as long as I avoid looking at the Simpsons or Snuffleupagus.
My number is called and I’m escorted to one of 15 tables lining the wall with naked women getting scrubbed, bathed and rubbed down. At this point… I’m kinda freaking. As instructed, I lay face down and my scrubbing begins by a naked korean lady. Not totally naked, she was wearing the same uniform as the others: wet see-through bra and panties. Naked enough for me to be uncomfortable. For about 10 minutes…The full body scrub felt so wonderful, my uneasiness began to subside.
By the end of two hours I had been throughly scrubbed from head to foot, bathed, rinsed, face washed, cucumber masked, hot towel wrapped, massaged, walked on, scalp scrubbed, hair washed, conditioned and my whole body slathered with some kind of milky lotion. As I dazily made my way back to the locker room, the wall of Simpsons seemed very Zen and apropos.
What had I been thinking? This place is perfect. From the odd cartoons, the steel horse balls and the naked koreans… I have never experienced anything more beautiful in my life. If this were heaven, I’d kill myself now, go right back into the warm waters and wait for the angels in underwear to call my number again and again and again…
XOXO, TLL
the lipstick lesbian 